Enter the Spin Cycle
If you’ve spent some time in recovery, you’ve probably heard someone mention the “addiction cycle”. If you’re in recovery, you’ve probably experienced it. Ever found yourself asking “why can’t I stop doing this?” Welcome to the addiction cycle.
Dr. Patrick Carnes first described this concept in his book “Out of the Shadows”. Dr. Carnes was a pioneering researcher in the area of sexual addiction. The cycle looks like this:
Let’s look at the steps:
Preoccupation: Something gave you the initial push toward acting out. You feel bad about something. Maybe something just happened to you that reminded you of a bad, traumatic experience you had years ago. You feel that pain all over again. Acting out is in your mind—it’s your favorite way to distract yourself from the pain.
Ritual: Yes, you have rituals around acting out. You may not realize it, but we all develop a set of rituals that we do on our way toward acting out. Check to see if anyone is home? Lock the door? Plan how we’re going to cover our tracks if someone comes home? Does any of this sound familiar?
Acting Out: Actually “doing the deed”, whatever that means for you. Porn, drinking, etc. It distracts you from the pain. But not for long.
Despair/Shame: After acting out, you always feel like crap. “I did it again.” “How can I be so weak?” “I hate myself for not being able to stop this.”
Because you feel so bad from acting out, you reach for the only thing that can provide some relief from this feeling—acting out again. And the cycle continues.
So, once you’re in the cycle, how do you get out? You have to break the cycle. You can counteract preoccupation by getting involved with something healthy that will keep you from focusing on acting out. You can counteract your ritual by realizing what the steps of your ritual are and doing things that will disrupt the ritual (like calling a friend). I believe the most important step in breaking the cycle is letting go of the shame. None of these are easy, but it’s very much worth the effort.
Resources
Here are some resources that can help you break the cycle:
Find the Pirate Monk Podcast from your favorite podcast provider and listen to episode 234 (“Jim Cress”). He talks in some detail about rituals.
Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” has a great discussion of shame.